Hello Dennis,testing testing one two.

sounds good to me eck I wonder if the bluenose over in Ireland can hear it I think your abuse has finally done for him dennis

Al email him but a hope he hisni started dribblin on the floor again.

Hi Eck,I think the cat must have his tongue never mind about all the other things that dinnae work noo and for all we know might have never worked.The mighty bicycle thieves are back in the Legion in Grantown on 1st dec(the bass player has just had a triple heart bypass)I'm glad I dinnae have a heart! Have you seen the pictures of Frank with Status Quo and other celebs?I'm thinking he's gettin' famous.

Na it's no a human problem,a texted him, his laptops in the doctors tae get sorted but he thanks you for your concern an says "jist you wait".

Well ah goat ma laptop back fae the docs,he said ah"ve no tae keep it in ma shed anymair but tae bring it inside tae the heat,heat!! ah said, dae ye ken the price o oil these days-it"ll get wrapped up in twa jumpers jist like everyboady else.Dennis yer gettin awfy bold these days ye should show mair respect tae yer elders(or in 47s case grumpy auld bugger).Of course everyhins workin jist ask them nearest tae ye.Gled yer back at the Legion,ah wis sellin poppies last week,wi hud a stall in Tescos ah dinna ken how wi done ah wis to busy lookin at awe the yummy mummys.Ah wunder if yer man 47s still buskin ootside that golf club its a sin ahm sure if he went tae the sally ann they wid help him oot

I await wie bated breath for 47s reply ta that ane Tam. How yous aw dooin. Me I'm off to Lanza again just afore christmas, a'll be thinking aboot yeas aw as a sit in the sunshine way a pint or twa. cheers fur noo.

Well how are you doing Edd? I spotted that you were a friend of John Swanson on facebook.Tam Oil in Nireland surely not.I think Eck must be up to his estate in St Andrews he's unusually quiet

Edd,guid tae hear fae ye,ah kin see the smoke cummin oot o 47s ears an hear his brain turnin fae here(well whit passes fur a brain)ah dont think he"s goat the sense tae gie a guid reply.Enjoy yer hols big man.

Away an throw coo's ****e at yersel,am jist busy wi awe ma gigs an that,al be back the night an gie ye pelters.

Did someone mention my name????

Ah six foot two of personality and charm

Ahhhhhh.. Mr Predictive text, I presume!!!!

Jesus 47, yer gone awe mellow on us

Steady Ed,a wis jist biden ma time,a wis havin ma hoose decorated,ye ken,wi dulux no that gloss stuff that ye use fer big red crosses an hands that ye bluter inside an ootside yer hoose,a wonder who wid dae that,him that put his laptop in tae get repaired cause a bit paper fell aff his keyboard,him that farts everytime he bends doon an his wife buys huggies when they've nae bairns.Oh, how are ye gettin on Tam? we were jist talkin aboot ye.Get it up ye.

SHSHSHSHSH AWFY QUIET

Well haud me back the hairy biker ah mean the baldy fifer returns.Hoo did yer hoose get decorated--did it win the biggest tip in the toon award?Whits huggies? oh ah ken their the nappies yer grandkids stuff in yer mooth tae stoap ye embarassin them by makin comments like ma gigs an testin,testin whit a load o crap.Hoo dae ye ken ah fart did yer missus tell ye,see awe this cairy oan wi Jimmy Savile ah hope they dinna investigate oor btn sum o these birds ah saw ye wi wir a bit dodgy.Right back at ye 47 come on

ah gone yersel's, the fly wee fifers have returned, ah huv no hud sick a guid laugh fur ages, keep it up, cheers bigedd.

Well a never,at least ma burds spoke,yours barked an thts rich talkin aboot ma hoose,yours opens right ontae the pavement trailin dugs **** oer the hoose an ma wife didni need tae tell me aboot yer fartin,a wis talkin tae a boy that goes tae the same pub as you,naebdy will sit next tae ye,at first they thought ye had a noisy shoe until they heard ye walkin tae the loo,pump pump pump then they stopped ye an telt ye ye were too late YE'VE PISHED YERSEL.Noo yer problem is caller?.

47 jist read yer comeback an ahve goat tae say ahm a bit dissapointed,awe yer posts these days seem tae stretch tae dugs an coo"s sh--e no very original is it-in fact it gets a bit boring efter a while. So heres a wee tip go tae the website Help oot the Fifers wae funny stories.com that"l soart ye oot.Dennis posted a msge aboot a week ago sayin ye must be in yer estate in St Andrews the only thing stately aboot you is the state o yer mind an thats in sh--e state as weel.Well ah must go ahm gawn tae the pub tae **** masell again(laffin at you)Btw thats Tam 3- 47 nil

How many pals did ye get roond tae help ye type awe they words,awe they words wid take you afortnight tae dae,some sentences tae,well done Thomas,show them to the nurses mibi ye'll get oot fer a home visit,naw best keep ye where ye are.

Awe 47 yer mair tae be pitied than laffed it Ah keep tellin ye ah"ve nuthin tae dae wi doacters an nurses anymair fur ah"ve been oot the hoaspital fur 9months noo,everybody else remembers an we ken ye"re a bit slow but ye huv tae try an mind these things as weel(write yersel a note an stick it oan the fireplace).Ah ay write ma ain posts its simple,ah jist bring masel doon tae your level an the words flow, its like shakespeare oan vodka.Well ahm no gaun tae haud ye back fur ah ken its nearly Crimbo an ye"ll be busy makin paper chains at that day centre ye go tae,mind and wrap up in this cauld weather son an cairy yer hankie fur that dreep at the end o yer nose.Byeeee

Hello Thomas,good to hear from you again,glad to hear you are fully recovered from your illness,give my best to your family and hope to hear from you soon.Bye for now,your friend Alex.

My goodness Alexander you are terribly polite these days I can picture you walking around Lochgelly in a top hat and tails or plus fours when you return from your adventures in St Andrews,or like a certain Mr Wallace going down to burned island palais with your new blue blazer regards to you

Hi Dennis,it is nice to have the chance to converse with someone who is of sane mind,unlike that gentlem eh eh ***** fae Ireland,sorry don't know what came over me.How is the legion gig going?, are ye's on every weekend or jist when required. I am jist keepin goin the noo a never seem tae have a minute tae sit doon and practice,this retirement larks no whit it's supposed tae be,everybidy needs a hand tae dae sumhing.A doubt the cats got the tongue o oor Irish friend,cat, it must be a lion tae deal wi that gub.

Hi Eck Good to hear your dulcit tones in the way you type,Yourself big Edd and the other crabbit half Irish one seem to all have that ability,of course I speak the Queen's English so well that I'm also doing that,I can almost hear La Brock with his Geordie there's a rabbit at the bottom of the garden p**s take.The Legion gigs are once in a blue moon fortunately there's a blue moon this Saturday

I say, the tone of these conversations have gone all highbrow. I was at pains to recognise whom any of you fellow's are any more. Your good self excluded Dennis, you were always polite spoken. So 47 get a grip an get back tay the basics we awe luv an unerstand ok, yeav gave me a right good chuckle the past couple o days, keep it up wee man an guid luck tay u an Dennis fur yer gigs.

aw the best bigedd.

Whits happening here ah ken its nearly the season o goodwill an awe that crap, but a post fae 47 an nae barbed comments thats not on,its like bacardi wi nae coke,Embra wi nae Fairleys an the SPL wi nae Teddy Bears(a large slice o humble pie fur yous)or mibbe theres jist a hint o sarcasm in there. Dennis ye seem tae take his side awe the time is there sumthin ah dinna ken aboot mibbe concernin that young ma in law ye"ve goat tucked awa(nae offence)Naebody go posh oan me ah dinna dae posh.

Now, now Thomas don't lower the tone,remember it is the season of good will,so in all friendship I hope your football team are allowed up into the spl next year.Dennis takes sides with me because when he was starving one christmas I gave him my last mutton pie.Post soon as I am missing you already.Bye.

Awfy quiet again!!!!!! whits wrong Tam are yer scriptwriters on holiday?

Aye Eck ye've done for the old boy again no doubt he'll be blamin his lap top but he just cannae admit defeat.Scripwriters couldnae come up wi all that p**h anyway

Dennis, you're being awful hard on Tam. Remember he's no spring chicken anymore, so try and no hurt his feelings. He's a sensitive wee soul.

John Tam hasnae changed a bit he was no spring chicken in 1974!

Awe nawwwwwwww, it's hate Tam week.

nO eCK WE ALL LOVE tAM REALLY

yOu rEalY NeED Tae LeAVe afF THat reD Wine WHEn yOU're TYpin.

Nuthin wrong wi ma laptop Dennis, ah jist stay off the site fur ah get embarassed at awe the dopey comments fae wee boays like yersell,but then wi ye liven up there in "the village o the d@mned"ah shouldna expect anythin mair,so lets jist hope yer music is better than yer msgs or ye will niver get oot that legion.Its guid tae see John Swanson oan the site at least he"ll bring sanity back tae yous lot.As fur that ither gangster am fed up takin the p1ss oota him an he canna come up wi any sensible answers.So ahm gonna sign off noo fur ah"ve goat a wee joab playin Santa in Tescos an these kids mak me tired(jist like yous).Ah"ll see yous in the new year hiv a guid yin PS if ye believe ah"ve goat a joab yer as guillable as ah thocht

Tam's a Santa. I'm hoping thats no got anything to do with his buddy list on Facebook including Gary Glitter??? When did I become sensible? hahahaha

Tam there is a group of viglantes trying to find out where you live,they don't like this beautiful town being called a village(they don't seem to mind the ****ed bit)mind you I think I'm the only one who was born here.I'm still pondering on whether to give them your detailsI'll have to ask 47 for advice I know he'll keep me right as he kept me right all those years ago when it should have been your job being a full screw have a great christmas and mind your back

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR GENTS, HOPE ITS A GOOD ONE FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES. BTW JUST SAW ON FACEBOOK DANNY CARRUTHERS GOT HIS MUM TO CUT HOLES IN HIS TROUSER POCKETS, I ALWAYS WONDERED WHY HE WORE THE SAME TROUSERS EVERY TIME WE WENT OUT AND I WAS INFORMED HE HAD THEM ON AGAIN AT LAST WEEKS EDINBURGH DANCE SO THAT GUY OWES US ALL AN EXPLENATION